The More You Love

The more Alyssa and I grow as daddy and daughter, the harder it is to say goodbye on the phone. I am the luckiest/blessed man in the world! I am no stranger to long distance loving. Being in the military, and after that working on wind turbines for Vestas, I have had my share of spreading my love over multiple states. However, nothing has been as hard as hanging up the phone with my daughter knowing how much she loves me, and I her, but more importantly how she needs me more and more in her life the older she gets. I think it has to do with the fact that she is older, and with her age comes wisdom. Being a student of psychology I would say that there is not very much "wisdom" in the mind of a 9 year old little girl, but if you could only hear Alyssa talk. She speaks with more wisdom then most of the college kids in my classes. Where did she get this wisdom? When did my little girl get so big? How is she able to handle this long distance love without bursting? As a 33 year old man there are times when the pain seems so unbearable that I feel like NOT talking to her. I know, that sounds bad, but when I have to hang up...that is when the pain becomes so strong I feel like crying every time. I try to rationalize that talking to her is better than not talking to her. If you have never been in this situation, you may never understand, and I wouldn't expect anyone to. Of course, the pleasure and satisfaction I get from talking with her far out weighs the pain, so the nights or days when we talk, I cherish every word she says, every time she tells me she loves me, and every time I hear her laugh. As time goes by, and my little girl gets older, even though the pain seems to be increasing, I think that it is a good thing. It shows us we are growing together, and no matter the pain, we are sharing it together. Together. That is the word I love to hear when speaking of Alyssa and I. Even though we are separated by thousands of miles, I can't help but feel the bond that God so graciously gave to me and my 'Squirmy'.

This Christmas I gave her a Bible. A 'real' Bible. A 'grown up' Bible. I gave this to her because she started to take the intuitive to go to church every Sunday all by herself. It may be that her mom wants a break, but whatever the reason, it still takes a lot for a nine year old to decide that she would rather be in church then playing with her toys. I will never be the one to say that I have the perfect daughter, and that is definitely not what I am trying to say. I know my daughter has faults. If she is anything like me, she is going to have quite a few! :) Through all of this pain and love, we grow, together, holding each other accountable in love. Everyday I wake up thinking about the love I have for my wife, Kate. The second thought is always the love I have for my daughter. It is at that moment I talk to my Heavenly Father, who I know every morning when Alyssa wakes up, He is there to cradle her. As my hands are folded in prayer for her, His hands are upon her, caring for her, watching over her, and giving her wisdom to know the truth...that her daddy will always be there for her.

The more I love her, the greater the pain. With those two things, however, the greater the satisfaction I experience knowing that she is growing into the girl I have always prayed for her to be. A woman after God's own heart. There will be plenty more tear filled eyes, and plenty more conversations that end in tears, however I wouldn't change anything. Well, except for the opportunity to have her wake up in her bed in Oregon. That would be great. In the meantime, I will just continue to watch her grow from a couple states away, and trusting my Father will care for her, just as much as He has cared for and loved me.